Shooting Yourself in the Foot
A C-programmer's guide to other languages.
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to
have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it
difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This guide is
offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such
dilemmas.
C
You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in
the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you
can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others
and saying, "That's me, over there."
mudlle
The Balrog shoots you in the foot.
That really HURT!
FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes,
than you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you
continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
Modula2
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this
language, you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on
HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether
shoelace needs to be retied.
LISP
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ....
BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue
until entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH
Foot in yourself shoot.
APL
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do
it fewer characters.
Pascal
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
SNOBOL
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot
yourself in the right foot.
Concurrent Euclid
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
HyperTalk
Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the
result.
Motif
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the
bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When
you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Unix
% ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm *.o
rm:.o: No such file or directory
% ls
%
Paradox
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Revelation
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out
what all these bullets are for.
Visual Basic
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it
that you won't care.
Prolog
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures
out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
370 JCL
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you
want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Ada
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the
gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try,
however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.
Assembly
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first
reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.
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