"Residents of New York!" said Gates in a televised address early Monday morning.
"Some of your neighbors, your friends, your own family members have not yet
joined us in operating within our glorious system. Why not? Is something
affecting their judgment? Are they perhaps... thirsty?"
"Water," Gates added. "The source of all life."
Gates then emitted a sinister, high-pitched laugh and faded out, returning
televisions across New York to their regular programming with the push of a
button.
Justice Department officials said they plan to come D O W N hard on the software
giant for its latest controversial move. "Not only is tampering with a major
metropolitan area's water supply illegal," U.S. attorney Joel Klein said,
"but mass, involuntary bio-installation of operating-system software is a gross
violation of federal antitrust law."
Klein said Microsoft has also taken steps to prevent rival Netscape from placing
its web browser in New York's reservoirs, an act he said may constitute a
further illegal monopolistic trade practice. If found guilty of dispatching
winged Microsoft henchmen to block Netscape's access to the reservoirs,
Microsoft may face fines of U P to $670 million.
Gates refused to respond to the allegations, but spoke directly to the people of
New York via Microsoft's Windows 98 brainwave transmitter, saying, "Command
priority reformat unit sub-Klein-delete//DELETE: A-Priority."
Klein's whereabouts are currently unknown.
Despite Microsoft's tainting of their water supply, New Yorkers seem relatively
unfazed. "There is nothing wrong with having Windows 98 in my body," said a
glassy-eyed Queens woman identifying herself as "7398473289348390-98.01."
"Windows 98 is good. Where do I want to go today, O Gateslord?"
Added the woman: "Invalid sector error Type -41."
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